When You Are Chronically Ill What to Tell Your Date and When

At 54, Richard wanted to start dating again, but was reluctant. You see, Richard also had multiple sclerosis, and this raised some uncomfortable questions. Did he have to reveal his condition? If so, when? Exactly how much information was he supposed to give? And most important, how would others react?

If you have a chronic illness, you may be facing similar issues. You might even feel hesitant about dating at all, especially if you have:

• Feelings of low self-esteem
• Uncertainty about the future
• Lack of energy
• Concerns over physical limitations
• Chronic pain
• Fear of rejection

But you don't have to let your illness define you. While your concerns are normal, it is still possible to meet someone who will like and accept you just as you are.

Dating Strategies

Having a chronic illness presents several dating challenges. For one thing, it can limit your ability to interact with others. You may not be able to leave home as much, or you might feel self-conscious about your condition.

But that doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't meet new people. For instance, there are now several online dating sites designed for people with an illness or disability. You might also try:

• Attending local meet-ups for people with similar illnesses
• Joining online discussion boards and message groups
• Meeting people through a social networking site
• Telling your friends and family members you're interested in dating
• Becoming more involved at your church, synagogue or local community center

If you have physical limitations, arrange for something you can handle:

• Find a restaurant with a suitable menu if you have dietary restrictions
• Choose a spot close to home if traveling is hard for you
• Avoid activities that are too strenuous for you
• Choose the time of day you usually feel your best
• Try to get some rest before you go out

Explaining your illness

If your date doesn't know about your illness, there's no need to fess up right away. In fact, it's better to hold off until you're sure you want to build a relationship.

If you find that special someone, though, you'll need to sit down and have a talk. There are no set rules about when or how to do it. But it should happen before you become too intimate. Hiding your illness for too long will only complicate matters later. And if you leave out important facts, there may be consequences down the road, too.

It's natural to feel nervous about telling your partner. That's why it's important to set the right tone before you do.

• Choose a setting where you feel comfortable
• Explain you have something important to say
• Tell your partner if you're nervous or worried
• Be completely honest about your illness
• Try to be optimistic instead of shameful or sad

When you have the conversation:

• Explain your illness and how long you've had it
• Discuss how it affects you physically
• Explain the ways it limits your abilities
• Provide essential facts about your prognosis
• Answer any questions your partner may have

Of course, there is no way of knowing how your partner will react. But whatever the response, try to respect his or her wishes. After all, your illness impacts a partner too.

And if a relationship does develop, remember that your illness shouldn't be the central focus. Instead, concentrate on other things the two of you have in common. That's a better way to build a real and lasting partnership.

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